0 (2s):
Lights that spark Fire Nation. JLD here and welcome to Entrepreneurs On Fire brought to you by the HubSpot Podcast Network with great shows like the shakeup today, we'll be sharing why it's time to make yourself a priority and make some noise to drop these value arms. I brought Andrea Owen into EOFire studios. Andrea is a global speaker certified daring way. Facilitator hosts of make some noise podcasts and the best-selling author of three books, including make some noise. And today Fire Nation, we'll talk about goals. We'll talk about playing small. We'll talk about self-sabotage about being vulnerable, making money and so much more.

0 (43s):
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0 (1m 25s):
Andrea say what's up to Fire Nation and share something that you believe about becoming successful that most people disagree with.

1 (1m 35s):
Hello, John? I hope I don't get a lot of hate for this. And I made a tic talk about it and I got mixed results. I don't believe that you have to have an elaborate morning routine to be successful. It works for some people, but I get up in the morning. I get on my phone and sometimes I scroll through social media. Sometimes I even check my email, I drink my coffee and then that's mostly it.

0 (1m 56s):
What I'd like to say is what works for you, works for you. And whenever like people like to tell me advice and stuff like this, like, let me get a little controversial while, you know, while you're getting a little controversial is like when a, a obviously overweight person tells me how I should be working out. I don't like, you know, question them at all. I just eventually look back after they're done. And I say, well, how's that working out for you? Like, how's that working out for you? And that's just a question because like that's working out for them, not very well, but how is your morning routine working out for you? Obviously it's working out pretty well, which we're gonna be getting into because it's allowing you Andrea to make some noise.

0 (2m 37s):
And now we all have goals. Your goal is to empower women in, give them unshakeable confidence. How did you accomplish this in your book? Make some noise

1 (2m 50s):
To be more specific. I always like to say, I like to help women empower themselves. And some might say that that's just semantics, but I do think that there's a difference because I don't want people to have to rely on me forever. Whether they read my books or they become a private client. I want them to be able to gather the tools, to be able to go out on their own and sort of leave the nest of personal development here and there. But the main theme of my latest work is around looking at the conditioning that not just women were given, but men too. I mean, culturally, it's not easy for anyone with the stereotypes and the kind of traditional gender roles that, that we've all still adopted in 2021.

1 (3m 30s):
And I, what I want people to walk away with is just to really get curious about what is your conditioning versus what is your truth? Because very often they are two different things.

0 (3m 41s):
Is your conditioning. What is your truth? Let's talk about a specific example about people spending their lives, playing small. So many people they're on like the last days of their life. And there's a great book of others. I mentioned a few times on this show, which is the five biggest regrets of the dying. And one of those regrets is that they played small. They played by other people's rules. They didn't just grasp the opportunity that life gives all of us when they had the chance. And now, frankly, it's too late, which is why that's a really sad book, but I hope, you know, slap some people into reality. So you do believe that a lot of people do spend the lives playing small.

0 (4m 21s):
And so how do we get out of this rut and make some noise

1 (4m 25s):
To, for the record? I am not excluded from that list. There are still times where I find myself playing small. And sometimes it's because of circumstances that are happening like a pandemic or like illness. There's something like that. So I don't, I don't want to make people feel like they have to be 100% on the gas pedal all the time. I just don't think that's sustainable for anyone, but the kind of main message around this is going back to that question that we were just talking about. You know, if you look at what is my conditioning versus what is my truth and unpack that. So for example, if you know, what, what do you make up that will happen if you play bigger? If you ask for the sale, if you pitch 100 potential clients and for some people, you know, for the men listening, it might be their conditioning tells them that they have to make a certain amount of money to be valued, to be admired, to be successful.

1 (5m 17s):
And for women, it might be that they have to make everyone else comfortable. Like don't, don't make too much noise. Don't ask for the sale. Don't pitch too much because it's going to look opportunistic. You know, people don't like really ambitious and powerful women. So that's what I'm asking people to look at, because that really can sort of point to why you're playing small. Sometimes it's not about the strategy. Like you can have all the strategy in the world and of course that's important and we all want that. But if you're not doing this internal work to unpack and unlearn all this BS that all of us to some extent have received growing up, then it's going to continue to come around and bite you in the butt.

0 (5m 54s):
Is there an example you use in your book or just one that comes to mind about this specific topic that we're talking about? So Fire Nation can really kind of start to put some areas and topics and generalizations into focus here.

1 (6m 9s):
So I grew up on the tennis court since the age of three. I mostly played with my dad, both my parents were avid tennis players. And if anyone has grown up playing a particular sport, or maybe you were, you know, in the band or something, it becomes part of your identity, right? Like you, you get in community with these people. And it becomes such a big part of my life. And I, I was about to start high school and just kind of made sense that I would try out for the freshmen tennis team. And my dad dropped me off and I was standing there looking through the chain link fence that these other girls warming up. And I had this overwhelming fear of what if I lose in front of my parents. You know, I had never been on like a competitive team before I thought, what if I let down my entire team, what if I let down my doubles partner and I decided to not try out.

1 (6m 55s):
So I called my dad. I had to walk to the payphone cause this was back in 1989 when we still had payphones. And I told him to come pick me up. And not only did I not try out John, but I completely quit tennis. I totally quit because I was too afraid of failure. I didn't have the self-confidence to literally walk in onto the tennis court, step into my comfort zone or step out of my comfort zone, if you will, to make that leap. And it became one of the biggest regrets of my life. And, you know, my conditioning told me, and this is interesting too, because my parents were never ultra competitive. They never pushed me and said, you have to be the best. You have to be, you know, an Olympic athlete or anything like that. But it was just this sort of perfectionism that I took on that I had to be the best or I was going to let down people and disappoint them.

1 (7m 42s):
And so that's what I asked people to look at is, you know, what are these actual fears that you have and where did they come from? Because if you can look at where did they come from, then you can better understand yourself and also have a healthy dose of self-compassion. And, and actually I ended up coming back to my dad actually died in 2016 and my step-mom gave me his tennis rackets and I made it back out onto the tennis court and it was emotional and dramatic, but it just because it was, you know, it's a thing that me and my dad had, but it's also never too late to go after the things that you regret. Cause I know isn't that part of, one of those five regrets of the dying is, you know, like not, not going after the things that they wanted to do.

1 (8m 25s):
Yeah. And so it's, it's not too late. I was 41 or 42 when I went back out on the tennis court and I was terrified and it ended up being a lot of fun.

0 (8m 34s):
Well, this is kind of a little off topic, but I will say for anybody that loves tennis and it sounds like you enjoy it to some level, there's a new Netflix documentary and it's called untold stories. It's like a series of different ones, but the one that's specific to what you're talking about with tennis and kind of like getting back out on the court, it's called breaking point. And it's about Marty fish, which a lot of people that don't fall tennis that close, he has never heard of, but he actually was the number one, men's us tennis player for a couple years. And man, it's fascinating, especially with this whole conversation that we've been having in the Olympics around Simone Biles and what she went through, he went through something almost identical and it was much less accepted at that time.

0 (9m 18s):
Not that it's even super accepted now, but much, much less. So like back in 20, I think it was like 10 or 12 when that happens. So really fascinating. If you want to get a little bit of a deep dive

1 (9m 27s):
About you're going to

0 (9m 29s):
Love it, you're going to, you're going to really thank me. And all the untold series are amazing. There's one on Caitlyn Jenner, which is fantastic. And one that's called mouse of the pals. But anyways, I want to get back to self-sabotage because it is so frequent, both in work and relationships. I mean, people self-sabotage, and when it comes to their job, they don't even realize it. And then another, like what happened? And they do the same thing. Relationships are in a great relationship then they're like, why did I do that to sabotage this relationship? Give some examples about how you deal with the self-sabotage topic in your book, make some noise. Yeah.

1 (10m 5s):
It's is a little bit complicated. And generally speaking, many times there's a secondary gain that we're getting from the, from sabotaging ourselves. We're getting something out of it, even if it's not serving us and even in the long run, if it makes us uncomfortable. And if I going to go a level deeper, I highly encourage people to go to therapy, especially if you're self-sabotaging in your relationships. Because when we're talking about our romantic relationships and even to some extent, our friendships, we tend to attract and tolerate what we're used to. And if I may just dive into relationships for just a second, there's a great book called you may have even mentioned it on your show before getting the love you want by Harv Hendrix.

1 (10m 48s):
And he also wrote one and that's for people in relationships. He also wrote one for people who are single called. I think it's keeping the love you shoot. I'm going to get it wrong, keeping the love you need or something like that. And in, in getting the love you want, he, his theory is that we all have an a, what he calls an a Mago it's sort of this persona that we unconsciously make up. As we grow up, that is the personification of our primary caregivers, the good and bad, the negative and the positive. So when we get older and we start entering romantic relationships, we meet someone and we sort of, kind of like the Terminator. Remember when he would, there was like a screen in his eyes and he would like go through this criteria, like, is this my enemy?

1 (11m 31s):
So we do that with potential partners. And the more they match up to our Mago, the more attracted we are to them. That's why you hear people say, I can't believe I am in a relationship with someone who exactly like my mother or exactly like my father. And what we're doing is we're trying to heal our childhood wounds through our partner. And we don't know this is happening. And it seems so illogical, but it's, it's sort of a, in some ways a trauma response. So we highly recommend that book because even if you're in a relationship where you realize you're doing that, there is hope, and we just can't put that responsibility on our partner. So that aside, this is why sometimes we self-sabotage in relationships and we find ourselves in the same scenarios over and over and it work.

1 (12m 16s):
And so, you know, my short answer is, is go to therapy because sometimes it's, it's a much deeper issue. And sometimes it's just habitual sometimes. Like if it's, if it's something like eating, right, you know, we, we buy the vegetables and we plan on, on juicing. We buy the expensive juicer at Costco and the vegetables go bad. Sometimes we've just gotten into a habit of ordering Chipola from door dash, and we need to break the habit. There are great books out there about how to break just these regular habits that we have. And the last thing I want to say about it is, is to ask yourself, what are you really avoiding? Because sometimes we're avoiding success. I know that I have have been in that place, you know, as an entrepreneur who has a high risk tolerance, which I think most of us do, most people listening do have some extent of a, of a high risk tolerance.

1 (13m 5s):
There's still a part of me that is afraid of success. And I think for women, especially, it can be a little bit more nuanced because of sustainability. A lot of times we are the primary caregiver of our children. And so that light work-life balance can be incredibly daunting as well as, you know, just the thought of, okay, I, you know, I cracked six figures finally, in, in my business, how am I going to top that next year? How am I going to top next quarter? It's always, you know, the growth and the scaling of a business can be, can just feel like it's worlds away. And so we self-sabotage because we want to stay more so in a place that's comfortable.

0 (13m 44s):
Well by our nation, all the magic happens outside of your comfort zone. Please remember that. So if you are magic in your life, get out of your comfort zone, we're going to talk vulnerability. We're going to talk money and more. When we get back from thinking our sponsors, looking for a single place online, where you can access next level, project management tools, plus organized documents, systems, apps, and more with your team. Introducing notion, notion is an all in one team collaboration tool that combines everything you need to run your business effectively in one space. The best part it's simple, powerful in beautifully designed for startups. Notion can provide a full-on operating system for running every aspect of your company. Keeping everyone aligned as you grow fast and take on more it's time to make speed your advantage without the silos and context.

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0 (15m 14s):
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0 (16m 50s):
And right now you can get $50 off any purchase of $399 or more by using code fire at checkout that's $50 off a purchase of $399 or more at indochino.com promo code fire, Andrea we're back, and you are incredibly open and vulnerable with your audience. Share one of your favorite examples of you being vulnerable with your audience. And is this something that you would recommend other people do

1 (17m 20s):
Not for everyone. And I do think it's not for every business. I do think that millennials and gen Z, they care about where they're putting their support. They care about where they're putting their money. So if that's your customer base, it might be something that you think about just about where you stand on certain social issues. But I don't think that every business owner needs to share their story. I honestly, John, like I did it on accident. So I started blogging back in 2007 and started telling my story because I was dying to tell someone I was out of an abusive relationship. There was, you know, it was emotionally abusive and mentally awful.

1 (17m 60s):
And my husband actually had an affair with our neighbor and got her pregnant because he didn't want to tell me he wanted a divorce. So he just went and did that instead. And then I ended up in a relationship with someone who I thought was Mr. Wright. He lied about having cancer to cover up his opioid addiction. And then I was pregnant with his child and we broke up. So I had this like 18 months of just disaster zone relationships. And that's when I decided to change my life. And I started blogging about it in oh 7 0 8, not really thinking anybody would read it. And I started getting a following on Twitter and thought, okay, I'm onto something. And this was before everybody was talking about vulnerability and, and I, so I did not do it as a marketing strategy.

1 (18m 40s):
It was truly organic. And what I realized is this is really part of my personality and I don't encourage people to do it who feel like they need to be more private and they're, or they're just not ready, then you don't have to. And also, I, I think that it can be dangerous to sort of heal out loud. Like you have to do your own private work, whatever kind of support that, that you feel that you need to get. That's incredibly important because sometimes if we're, we're always sort of using our platform to tell our story, we can bypass doing the real work inside. And that can, that can be really unhelpful.

1 (19m 21s):
I was going to use more choice words, but yeah, that can end up in disaster.

0 (19m 26s):
Thank you. All of the mothers and fathers driving with our kids right now love your choice of words. So we appreciate that.

1 (19m 33s):
I know there might be little ears listening, you know,

0 (19m 35s):
Speaking of like things that people don't like talking about, you know, and just in general is money. So you believe, and I obviously agree as well. I've been publishing monthly income reports for 96 months in a row. So I believe for a long time as well that we need to learn how to start talking about money because you see this silence about money as a huge problem, expound upon that.

1 (20m 0s):
Yes. I think that it's, you know, and I, I don't mean to, to genderize everything, but I think when it comes to certain topics, there is nuance and uniqueness. And for women, we it's still an issue. I mean, pew research center just did some research back in 2016, which wasn't all that long ago. And they asked Americans how they rated and how they felt about certain words as they relate to men versus women. And it was, it was a bunch of different words like compassion and powerful, ambitious, and the words powerful, that word, powerful. Just for an example, men rated that word.

1 (20m 40s):
No, sorry. All of the people rated the word powerful 92% positive for men and 62% negative for women. Wow. And I know right in 2016, like that was only five years ago and money is power. I mean, they're, they're completely connected. And I think that still today and fidelity did research when they asked women about how comfortable are you talking about investing? How comfortable are you in just in taking the action of investing? And the results are dismal. Women are really great at running households at being in leadership positions, but we are still lagging behind when it comes to having this conversation about money. When it comes to having this conversation about getting out of debt and investing.

1 (21m 22s):
And like, that's what I want to start talking about. Like, I love talking about money because I know that we, as women need to do more of it. And also learning about investing. When I was in my twenties, I thought that people who had financial advisors, they were all rich. And I definitely wasn't. So I thought that was for other people, other rich people. And that's not the case. Like we need to, I get fired up about this. It's like, I'm like sweating over here. I just, and also like, we don't really have great role models. Like when I was younger, the only person in movies or TV that I knew of who was a self-made millionaire was Cruella Deville. Like, honestly, I cannot think of another one who wasn't, you know, if she was rich, she was either the widow or a wife or a daughter of a rich man and Cruella de Vil.

1 (22m 13s):
Are you kidding? Like, not exactly the role model.

0 (22m 16s):
It'd be like, if, if Scrooge McDuck was the only rich nail,

1 (22m 20s):
So, and some people might say like, oh, it's just a Disney movie. Is it that big of a deal? And like, whether it is, or whether it isn't like, I believe that these types of things shape us and you can't be what you can't see. And for little girls and it's, you know, I don't know what the exact stats are, but a few years ago it was only 3% of venture capital was going to women. And like, this is a real issue. And if we want to close the gap, we need to start with conversations. You can't fix something. You can't talk about

0 (22m 48s):
So many things here at Fire Nation that I really hope you're understanding when it comes to this topic. And I really hope that a few things that we've talked about here today thus far, is opening up some doors and some new avenues for you. And I want to end with a bang, which is how is not making noise, costing us when it comes to our career.

1 (23m 10s):
Oh gosh, it's costing us money. Obviously it's costing us promotions, better projects, better networking opportunities. And my, my big fat opinion on this is that we need to both look under the surface that our conditioning and why we hold back so we can unlearn it as well as we, we also need to learn better communication skills when it comes to negotiating and, and setting boundaries, which is another conversation for another time.

0 (23m 34s):
I want one big takeaway from you. I want you to end this on a high note with one big takeaway that you want to make sure Fire Nation really gets from everything that we talked about here today. Let us know where you want us to go to pick up our copy of make some noise and any call to action you have for us. And then we'll say goodbye,

1 (23m 55s):
AndreaOwen.com/noise. They can find all the bonuses. There's a 65 page free workbook that goes with the book. Cause I ask over 250 questions of the reader and the book. And there's all kinds of great freebies in there. AndreaOwen.com/noise.

0 (24m 11s):
And you're the average of the five people you spend the most time with. You've been hanging out with AO and J L D today. So keep up the heat and head over to eofire.com type Andrea, A N D R E A in the search bar. Her show's page will pop up with everything that we've been talking about here today. And Andrea, what is that one thing that one key takeaway you want Fire Nation to walk away with

1 (24m 34s):
Love for them to think of something they think of someone that they admire, whether it's a fictional character for me, it's Chacha de Gregorio from the movie grace, because she had so much confidence. And who is that person, whether they're fictional or real and ask yourself when you hesitate, what was, what would you know, what would JLD do? What would you want to do in this situation where you're hesitating and, and run with,

0 (24m 57s):
You know, to go off topic again, real quick, it's still on topic, but have you seen the movie, the Heights yet? No, it's Lin Manuel's new movie. You know, the guy that did Hamilton and there are multiple very, very strong and powerful women in that movie. Like very powerful.

1 (25m 14s):
You are just going to have me glued to the TV for the rest of the week with all these grades,

0 (25m 18s):
All good stuff. That's all I do. You know, come on now, Andrea, thank you so much for sharing your truth, your knowledge, your value with Fire Nation today, for that we salute you and we will catch you on the flip

1 (25m 28s):
Side. Thanks for having me.

0 (25m 31s):
Hey, Fire Nation today's value bound content was brought to you by Andrea and Fire Nation. Do you have an online store idea? Check out the idea to store contests by.store domains. They're giving away cash prizes up to $30,000 for sharing your online store ideas. Learn more atwww.ideato.store. That's www.ideato.store. And I'll catch you there or I'll catch you on the flip side, looking for completely custom fitted suits, shirts, or casual wear to add to your closet at an affordable price. Look no further than Indochino right now you can get $50 off any purchase of $399 or more by using code fire.

0 (26m 20s):
check out visit indochino.com promo code fire. According to a survey over two thirds of Americans are planning to travel in the upcoming months. This means that airlines restaurants and more have been ramping up their hiring, who do they turn to ZipRecruiterr? ZipRecruiter technology finds qualified candidates for your job, and you can easily invite your top choices to apply. And right now you can try ZipRecruiter for free at ziprecruiter.com/fire.